I remembered. Mothers can’t be human beings. It’s just not possible, not allowed; it would turn the whole universe into a huge, sucking black hole – worse than middle school already is. Mothers can’t be cool, they can’t be funny, they can’t be – oh, ew, gross – sexy, and they sure as hell can’t have any feelings.
Entries from March 2009
March 7, 2009
I am SO funny.
Filed under family, humor, life, parenting, satire, self-image, sex
Tags: A, actual human being, bedtime story, blog, brag, cartoon noises, Casablanca, cynical thoughts, daughter, denial of the concept, ew gross, feelings, free coffee, good in life, good therapist, great job, have some common sense, hilarious, hurled worst insult, I'm not your Mom, keen-edged sword of sarcasm, lamest comeback, lanky thin frame, laughter, longest case of PMS on record, love you anyway, mother, mothers can't be human beings, nice bonus, old shrink, pinballing in her head, pissed at me, rapier wit, Reality TV, report cards, sexy, shocked, Starbucks coffee, take your bullshit, tear the ass off of, turn the whole universe into a huge sucking black whole, Vampire with a soul, Warner Brothers Television, worse than middle school, worst bitchfest, you're not funny
March 2, 2009
Brainbone: Am I the monkey at the monolith?
Yet another reason I get a frisson of horror whenever Facebook’s Brainbone application asks me if I want to show my Brainbone stats on Twitter, or my web site, or anywhere public at all.
Show my Brainbone stats? Are you kidding? Why not also show my weight? And record me Confessing my sins to my local parish priest, while I’m at it, as a global podcast?
Filed under confidence, humor, life, satire, self-image, technology
Tags: bitchy popular girls, Bless me Father, Boo-yeah, bookbag, Brainbone, comfortable, confession, cool and smart, deeply internalized, dorky, exuberant, facebook, failing, First Holy Communion, for I have sinned, frisson of horror, ground-bound dart, guitar, hideously embarrassed, ignored, keyboards, kneesocks, label adhesive, labels, laughter, life, love-hate relationship, middle school, musical, parents, parish priest, passing grade, percentages, piano, pretty, quiet, random, random celebrity, relentlessly, retarded, sailing like a cannon, skinny, stats, stumbling, stupid, swagger, talent, The Pretty one, The Quiet One, The Smart One, throwing dice, Timbuktu, Twitter, uncomplicated, ungracefully, untidy living room, web site, would you jump off the Empire State Building
Everything you read on this blog is actually true. As in, this is a genuine, non-fiction blog. Generally, I don't name names when the parties concerned are (a) related to me and/or (b) under the age of majority, and therefore no matter how funny they are, unable to give their informed consent to have their hilarious but true commentary on the ridiculousness of life publicized globally. I do, however, skirt the issue of crediting them by admitting it was not ME who came up with their jokes, but "some kid." (Works for most of us.)