You can just barely hear his voice call your name, in a throaty voice profound with regret – then you hear the nurses behind him, whispering more loudly amongst themselves: “Poor bastard. He’s been like this for years. All he’ll ever say is her name.”
Posts Tagged as ‘texting’
May 8, 2009
MORE secrets from The Secret, Closely-Guarded Girl Manual
Filed under confidence, humor, life, love, relationships, satire, self-image, sex, sexuality
Tags: family, babies, kids, Snickers, 7-11, friends, obvious, fabulous, texting, poor bastard, asshole, face it, we've all been there, married, school sweetheart, no experience, it's not you it's me, zillion, scenarios, delve into, phoning, stomach lurching, cell phone, number, called, bad sign, pissier, spiral downhill, big fat dump, surprise, emotionless, formal, stiffen, okay, that's fine, contents of your stomach, brilliant qualities, sparkling conversation, cool emoticons, predictive texting, Brainbone Awards, Facebook Page, Ben & Jerry's, Rainforest Crunch, loaf of toast, Thousand Island Dressing, dipping sauce, surf the Web, called in sick, Denial of Service Attack, hack, Trojan Virus, struggling to resist, WikiHow, wipe, screensaver, The Secret Closely-Guarded Girl Manual, cigarette-smoke, bathrooms in school, fantasize epic revenge, get it out of your system, smiling, old and alone, bony, fragile, trembling and thin, sobbing, thickly creased, young, beautiful, obscured, many years, dark and cold, old, tattered, blanket, wheelchair, throaty voice, profound with regret, nurses, whispering, get over yourself, stoically, superwoman, dance partner at the waltz, crinoline, damage, delicate, smudgy puddles, mascara, wax eyebrows, mani-pedi, haircut, plenty of fish, too good, wander aimlessly, innocent passersby, get dolled up, dive bar, flirtation, free drinks, bad idea, supportive, mutually supportive, cheer squad, pyramid, move on, best revenge, no revenge, men want what they can't have, happy with yourself, haunt them forever, the one that got away
May 6, 2009
The Top Five Lies an Honest Person Should Tell
…to get to the main point here: SOMETIMES, it’s important to LIE. Because the worst kind of mean-hearted bully is the kind who tries to use “honesty” to hurt other people, to wit:
“I’m just being honest here. You DO look fat.”
Filed under confidence, family, humor, kids, life, love, relationships, self-image, sex, sexuality, work
Tags: alien from space, Andromeda Galaxy, argue, asshole, buffoon, cannibalistic rainforest dwellers, choke, Chunky Monkey, confidence, cosmic points, cosmic shit storm, counseling, Cream of Whatever, crestfallen, daylight breaks, delicious, deserve, devastated, digression, dog turd pudding, Dufus, fine qualities, flatter, flinching, fluffy carnival toy, free food, free hospitality, giant chasm of need, good to go, hamburger, hardcore goofball, honest, honesty, horror, hot sauce, how old do I look, insulting, it wasn't you, Jones Pork Sausage, knock the block off, laughing at you, lawyer, liar, lies, long and terrible weeks, make someone's day, mean-hearted bully, memory, merry Taco Followers, mouth agape, nose, obliged, oblivious, olfactory, Order of Protection, personality review, poor bastard, prickly mess, primping, pull off the look, refuse to guess, sandwich board, screaming and babbling incoherently, self-satisfied jackass, shitty, shocked, smell, spirit of loving dishonesty, stupid, taco, Taco Dude, taste buds, tearing eyeballs, texting, truth, unfortunately, Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, wheel turns, wrapped in tinfoil, you look fat, your haircut looks great
April 28, 2009
Plus ça change, plus c’est la meme chose. Duh.
Is her little sister helping me out, with a nudge, or a shove? No. She is observing, amused, because SHE is intelligent to see the futility of my behavior, but not the danger, until I turn back to face the windshield and turn the wheel back so that we’re back on OUR side of the highway, thank you very much.
Filed under confidence, family, humor, kids, life, parenting, self-image, technology, television, work
Tags: daughter, intelligent, duh, Internet, blog, Panic! At The Disco, headphones, CD, CD player, speakers, nudge, rewind, topic, reality, hopelessly, raise my voice, the "any reasonable person" test, fail, hear, despite oncoming traffic, NYC, burden, car, grandmother, summer place, suburban house, drivers, incredibly stupid hope, read my lips, fruitless, rocking out, observing, amused, futility, danger, windshield, our side of the highway, go deaf, hypocritical, inherently rude, maximum eardrum damage, fad, 8-Tracks, Betamax, lurking observer, Harriet the Spy, seldom seen, in plain sight, all but forgotten, cassette player, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Jesus Christ Superstar, tremendous drag, fast-forward, baffled, clunky technology, Big Comfy Couch, VCR, tapes, change, frightening, barging rudely, feel bypassed, Twittered, EnV phone, ridiculous splurge, texting, Google, verb, MS Word, spelling skills, online, same, different, reference desk, local library, dictionary, gregarious, magnet, iron filings, Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose, commonsense approach, dealing with change, excellent article, The Huffington Post, Tom V. Morris, relax
Everything you read on this blog is actually true. As in, this is a genuine, non-fiction blog. Generally, I don't name names when the parties concerned are (a) related to me and/or (b) under the age of majority, and therefore no matter how funny they are, unable to give their informed consent to have their hilarious but true commentary on the ridiculousness of life publicized globally. I do, however, skirt the issue of crediting them by admitting it was not ME who came up with their jokes, but "some kid." (Works for most of us.)